After being released from jail late Monday evening, Roberts took to the airwaves to explain the DUI was a misunderstanding. He relayed to viewers he’d actually had a spiritual breakthrough earlier that evening while self-administering communion with grape juice. “God gave me a powerful ‘water to wine’ anointing,” he said–an anointing so powerful, apparently, its effects were detectable to a breathalyzer.
He ended the broadcast by giving millions of insomniacs and disaffected infomercial enthusiasts the chance to sow into his new ministry. In the coming year, which he has proclaimed the Year of the Spirit(s), Roberts announced he would begin a worldwide crusade to spread the news. Until sufficient funds arrive, however, he is planning to hold services primarily at airport bars and lonely hotel rooms.
The pope could not be reached for comment regarding whether the incident could be considered the first empirical evidence of reverse transubstantiation.