Archive for January, 2012

Richard Roberts Announces “New Level” of Being Drunk in the Spirit

25 Jan

richard_roberts_t670After being released from jail late Monday evening, Roberts took to the airwaves to explain the DUI was a misunderstanding.  He relayed to viewers he’d actually had a spiritual breakthrough earlier that evening while self-administering communion with grape juice.  “God gave me a powerful ‘water to wine’ anointing,” he said–an anointing so powerful, apparently, its effects were detectable to a breathalyzer.

He ended the broadcast by giving millions of insomniacs and disaffected infomercial enthusiasts the chance to sow into his new ministry.  In the coming year, which he has proclaimed the Year of the Spirit(s), Roberts announced he would begin a worldwide crusade to spread the news.  Until sufficient funds arrive, however, he is planning to hold services primarily at airport bars and lonely hotel rooms.

The pope could not be reached for comment regarding whether the incident could be considered the first empirical evidence of reverse transubstantiation.


Emergency Snow Guidelines for Seattle

22 Jan

seattle snowIt has come to my attention that roads, places of business, educational institutions, and general commerce have come to a grinding halt with the arrival of approximately one and seven tenths (1.7) inches of snow to Seattle. While the disruptions are no doubt commensurate with the severity of the emergency, I have assembled a few instructions for Seattleites in hopes that order may be restored more quickly.

Instructions for Establishment Owner/Operators

  • Do not, under any circumstances, tend to your sidewalk until a minimum of fifteen (15) people have threatened to sue for negligence. Should you reach this minimum, proceed outdoors with shovel in hand, where you will find the initial fluffy white substance has turned either into a small, icy lake or else a glacier. While it may appear to the novice that a shovel can do little to remedy either without a great deal of manual labor, the experienced know otherwise: simply wave it in a jabbing motion at passers-by, and the litigation threats should taper off forthwith. Repeat as necessary.

Instructions for the Public

  • While in other cities, “chaining” is usually limited to a vehicle’s wheels, it is better to be safe than sorry. I therefore recommend Seattlites wrap their entire vehicle in chains, including all doors and windows so as to prevent entry to the vehicle, and therefore ensure the vehicle remains unused. This, I assure you, is the safest course of action for you and your family.
  • Should the above be properly followed, no doubt the reader will inquire as to whether I have any suggestions for walking in snow and ice. I do. Only do so with the utter abandonment of any desire to keep one’s feet dry.

Instructions for the Snow

  • It ought to first be recognized how lucky you are to have landed in Seattle, where you will be treated with the utmost care; with, in fact, hardly an unfriendly shovel or harsh chemical. Tempting as it may be to reciprocate this kindness, stay firm in your resolve.
  • When falling, it is only necessary to keep the appearance of equal distribution; you are, in fact, encouraged to pile generously in front of patio doors and along sidewalks.
  • Resist melting as long as possible. Should weather conditions be unhelpful, your next course of action should be to transform the landscape into a minefield of icewater pools.
  • Once even the above is no longer possible, it is preferable to begin clearing out only in precisely the middle of the road, rather than its periphery. This has the effect of forcing the pedestrian into the continual and maddening calculation of whether to abandon the sidewalk for the road, imperiling herself but enjoying that blessed dry ground, or whether to continue to slog it out on the sidewalk, all the while jealous of the middle of the road.