Intelligent Design

16 Oct

sneezeThere are an increasing number of arguments against the notion that our species was intelligently designed, but there is relatively little buzz about a compelling alternative: ill-intentioned design.

Advocates of this theory point out that even if it can be shown this or that feature of humans was designed suboptimally, nevertheless it cannot be overlooked these imperfections might be the result of an intelligent but sadistic designer.

Take for example the oft-overlooked phenomenon of sneezing: the involuntary act of squirting mucus onto whatever one happens to be doing. Several improvements come to mind.

First, if mucus absolutely has to be expelled from ones’ nostrils, it seems prudent to allow the optional delay of said expulsion until such time as one has had to obtain a kleenex or shirt sleeve.

Second, it may well be wise to discontinue the triggering of involuntary mucus squirting upon the apprehension of pepper, typically applied to what you and others are about to eat.

Third, it would be inexpensive to rotate the nose so that upon sneezing the mucus sprayed upward, much like a whale. This way, friends would have ample warning time to clear the area, or optionally enjoy a pleasant misting effect.

Finally, it hardly seems advantageous to couple the entire ordeal with an orgasm of the face, leaving the mucus-squirter satisfied and faintly hopeful for another episode.


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  1. Swift

    October 17, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    As long as we’re haranguing and identifying better alternatives, I always thought that if my right arm were a light saber and my left arm a big fluffy pillow, I would be a more complete person — justice in one hand and compassion and mercy in the other. Not to mention I’d sleep better at night. :)

  2. Nathan

    October 17, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    You’ve hardly scratched the surface, friend. My nose protects me from most, but not all airborne toxins; my nose sometimes itches; my nose does not produce a personal supply of renewable, green energy; my nose does not vanquish my foes; my nose is not an ideal habitat for garden gnomes. Suboptimal indeed. At least my nose is well-suited to turning it up at those fools who see design in the functions which our noses do manage to accomplish.